You: Female police officer, about 5'3'', age 25-30, Vietnamese, square-lens sunglasses with partial navy-blue tint, hair in bun, standing in delivery bay with three male officers, not involved with their conversation.
That's all I remember from the split second glance. lol
Me: Dashing caucasian guy who walked by and noticed you checking me out (uhh...I mean you were practicing standard law-enforcement vigilance. lol)
Date and time: Friday, 5/15, approx 3pm.
I would like to buy you a steak dinner and a Crispy Creme. :)
I will handcuff you if you buy me steak. Deal?
As a former Simpsons writer and member of the Harvard mafia, I feel compelled to give you a verbal beat down for your appalling behavior of answering Craigslist missed connections ads and then posting the exchange on your missed connections blog. You are the mediocre exemplar of USC grads with TV Arts degrees whose shit I fix all day long. Money from heaven, baby, straight into my bank account. Praise the Lord.
Comedy is tickling the heart of the audience through the mind. What do you do? Slam a wooden stake (in my case, a prop steak) through the hearts of regular people sincerely seeking a connection. Ha ha! So funny! Ha ha! This fool really thinks I'm his missed connection. Ha ha ha!
It took me a few seconds to ascertain that your response was fake, and another minute to find your blog and networking sites. What about the not-so-smart guy whose eyes lit up upon seeing your bogus response, only to feel scammed in the end? Poor guy. Multiply that guy by 100's, based on your blog count.
Get some empathy. This is what you lack, and why you'll never be great at comedy.
What galls me is how the sisterhood hires somewhat amusing (at best) females like you whose sense of humor is at the level of the average guy. You're like a WNBA player needing a separate league to avoid competing with the real talent, and the only people who watch are friends, family, and niche segments. Everyone knows it sucks and chuckles about it in private.
Since you're not funny, you should do something useful with your life, like maybe process insurance forms, a task that you might actually be good at, for which you could actually get paid.
Here's my answer to you: No deal. I wouldn't let you varnish my baton.
Life lesson: Don't fuck with strangers, because they might work in your industry (I'm NBA, you're WNBA), don't forget) and be disinclined to help you should professional paths cross.
Feel free to post this on your blog. People will read it, think I'm an asshole, yet silently acknowledge that I'm right.
You're right. I'm wrong. I should go to Harvard and get some smarts.
I respond to Missed Connections on Craigslist. Sometimes people hate me, sometimes I am sorry.
- Alessandra Rizzotti
- Writer. Published in Harper Perrenial's Six Word Memoirs on Love and Heartbreak, It All Changed in an Instant, as well as the front page of Smith's online magazine for more than 200 six word stories. Video art exhibited in Miranda July and Harrel Fletcher's "Learning to Love You More" gallery as well as the Baltic Contemporary Art Museum. Alessandra currently tells jokes all around Los Angeles and produces Heeb Magazine's monthly storytelling show in LA.
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