Missed Connection:
About a week back I was hanging out with my friend and you passed by us about 3 times.
The last time you passed, we made eye contact and you licked your lips.
Was this just a coincidence? Or did you want take me out or something?
My Response:
That was Pinkberry that dribbled down my chin. Gotta lick it up or else I look a little stupid. You thought I was sexy though? That's awesome because I am 54 today. Way to make a lady with liver damage smile!
His Response:
haha.
anytime.
be careful with pinkberry, it can get alittle messy and wild!
Saturday
Waitress Actress Jessica / Magnolia - m4w - 35 (Pasadena Lake Ave)
Missed Connection:
Ms Jessica Diz Magnolia. So I actually worked up the nerve to ask for your number. So technically this is not a "missed connection" I was at Magnolia on Sunday night with my Aunt. You served us up some really great Cabernet and we chatted. You were oh so cute jumping on the bar as you were scared of the rats that were taking over the place. You have a really cool vibe and seem so sweet and your heart longs to be filled up with some real love just like mine. I could love getting to know you. We chatted about Cuban food. I called and left a message. I am taking a chance with fate that you might read this. I don't call a second time after leaving a message to call back. I think I gave you my business card as well. I am sad because I really was looking forward to hanging out. Yes I am very interested but you must return my call so we can hang out. I have never met someone with such grace and beauty. You are an amazing soul and I sense a really awesome talent that will one day win a Tony Award. God bless my beauty and maybe one day we can give love a chance. Please call.
My Response:
Famous director from Russia, you should put me in a movie. I will say a line like: "Stalin, you are so talented at many things." And then, if you let me ride your motorcycle to S, the hottest nightclub in LA, I will maybe give you a lap dance with all my clothes on-- including my favorite sweater that my grandma hand-knitted for Christmas. Do you like?
His Response:
I think you should give up acting and be a screen play writer or perhaps
a local traffic reporter. Then just maybe then you will be to ride on my motorcycle.
Do I know you?? You have some really big balls for a chick.
Just curious about something???? Do you actually know Jessica Diz at Magnolia? What would prompt you to respond to my add with such bizzare whimsical prose? And do you really want to go to this so called nightclub S? If so shoot me a photo with your digits and let's hang.
My Response:
Here ya go. 310) 847-5309
I told you your ass looked amazing in those jeans - m4w - 35 (silverlake)
Missed Connection:
And then I had to leave. I'm sure you remember me but I think you were there with someone. Let me know if you're interested
My Response:
Was it these jeans? Because if so, can you believe I got them at KMART? Total find.
His Reponse:
Could be.
My Response:
That's vague.
And then I had to leave. I'm sure you remember me but I think you were there with someone. Let me know if you're interested
My Response:
Was it these jeans? Because if so, can you believe I got them at KMART? Total find.
His Reponse:
Could be.
My Response:
That's vague.
LAUSD Beaudry HQ Asian Female Police Officer - m4w - 30 (Downtown LA)
Missed Connection:
You: Female police officer, about 5'3'', age 25-30, Vietnamese, square-lens sunglasses with partial navy-blue tint, hair in bun, standing in delivery bay with three male officers, not involved with their conversation.
That's all I remember from the split second glance. lol
Me: Dashing caucasian guy who walked by and noticed you checking me out (uhh...I mean you were practicing standard law-enforcement vigilance. lol)
Date and time: Friday, 5/15, approx 3pm.
I would like to buy you a steak dinner and a Crispy Creme. :)
My Response:
I will handcuff you if you buy me steak. Deal?
His Response:
Hey,
As a former Simpsons writer and member of the Harvard mafia, I feel compelled to give you a verbal beat down for your appalling behavior of answering Craigslist missed connections ads and then posting the exchange on your missed connections blog. You are the mediocre exemplar of USC grads with TV Arts degrees whose shit I fix all day long. Money from heaven, baby, straight into my bank account. Praise the Lord.
Comedy is tickling the heart of the audience through the mind. What do you do? Slam a wooden stake (in my case, a prop steak) through the hearts of regular people sincerely seeking a connection. Ha ha! So funny! Ha ha! This fool really thinks I'm his missed connection. Ha ha ha!
It took me a few seconds to ascertain that your response was fake, and another minute to find your blog and networking sites. What about the not-so-smart guy whose eyes lit up upon seeing your bogus response, only to feel scammed in the end? Poor guy. Multiply that guy by 100's, based on your blog count.
Get some empathy. This is what you lack, and why you'll never be great at comedy.
What galls me is how the sisterhood hires somewhat amusing (at best) females like you whose sense of humor is at the level of the average guy. You're like a WNBA player needing a separate league to avoid competing with the real talent, and the only people who watch are friends, family, and niche segments. Everyone knows it sucks and chuckles about it in private.
Since you're not funny, you should do something useful with your life, like maybe process insurance forms, a task that you might actually be good at, for which you could actually get paid.
Here's my answer to you: No deal. I wouldn't let you varnish my baton.
Life lesson: Don't fuck with strangers, because they might work in your industry (I'm NBA, you're WNBA), don't forget) and be disinclined to help you should professional paths cross.
Feel free to post this on your blog. People will read it, think I'm an asshole, yet silently acknowledge that I'm right.
Good day.
My Response:
You're right. I'm wrong. I should go to Harvard and get some smarts.
You: Female police officer, about 5'3'', age 25-30, Vietnamese, square-lens sunglasses with partial navy-blue tint, hair in bun, standing in delivery bay with three male officers, not involved with their conversation.
That's all I remember from the split second glance. lol
Me: Dashing caucasian guy who walked by and noticed you checking me out (uhh...I mean you were practicing standard law-enforcement vigilance. lol)
Date and time: Friday, 5/15, approx 3pm.
I would like to buy you a steak dinner and a Crispy Creme. :)
My Response:
I will handcuff you if you buy me steak. Deal?
His Response:
Hey,
As a former Simpsons writer and member of the Harvard mafia, I feel compelled to give you a verbal beat down for your appalling behavior of answering Craigslist missed connections ads and then posting the exchange on your missed connections blog. You are the mediocre exemplar of USC grads with TV Arts degrees whose shit I fix all day long. Money from heaven, baby, straight into my bank account. Praise the Lord.
Comedy is tickling the heart of the audience through the mind. What do you do? Slam a wooden stake (in my case, a prop steak) through the hearts of regular people sincerely seeking a connection. Ha ha! So funny! Ha ha! This fool really thinks I'm his missed connection. Ha ha ha!
It took me a few seconds to ascertain that your response was fake, and another minute to find your blog and networking sites. What about the not-so-smart guy whose eyes lit up upon seeing your bogus response, only to feel scammed in the end? Poor guy. Multiply that guy by 100's, based on your blog count.
Get some empathy. This is what you lack, and why you'll never be great at comedy.
What galls me is how the sisterhood hires somewhat amusing (at best) females like you whose sense of humor is at the level of the average guy. You're like a WNBA player needing a separate league to avoid competing with the real talent, and the only people who watch are friends, family, and niche segments. Everyone knows it sucks and chuckles about it in private.
Since you're not funny, you should do something useful with your life, like maybe process insurance forms, a task that you might actually be good at, for which you could actually get paid.
Here's my answer to you: No deal. I wouldn't let you varnish my baton.
Life lesson: Don't fuck with strangers, because they might work in your industry (I'm NBA, you're WNBA), don't forget) and be disinclined to help you should professional paths cross.
Feel free to post this on your blog. People will read it, think I'm an asshole, yet silently acknowledge that I'm right.
Good day.
My Response:
You're right. I'm wrong. I should go to Harvard and get some smarts.
Victoria - VEGAS - m4w - 28 (Los Feliz)
Missed Connection:
we had a great time at Pure, where the hell did you go??????????
My Response:
Pure was like too "clean" for me. I decided to go to Contaminated. Have you heard of it? They sell shots with extra tequila and red bull. So Lindsay Lohan it makes me tingle!
we had a great time at Pure, where the hell did you go??????????
My Response:
Pure was like too "clean" for me. I decided to go to Contaminated. Have you heard of it? They sell shots with extra tequila and red bull. So Lindsay Lohan it makes me tingle!
Tuesday
Cute Black Female at PF Changs Bar Monday Nite - m4w - 39 (Woodland Hills)
Missed Connection:
You were the cute black female sitting by herself at the far left of the bar watching the Nuggets game. I (male, blonde, yellow shirt) was on a date (first) and it seemed like our eyes kept meeting. Let me know if you'd like to talk.
My Response:
Only if you buy me some chicken nuggets with barbeque sauce.
You were the cute black female sitting by herself at the far left of the bar watching the Nuggets game. I (male, blonde, yellow shirt) was on a date (first) and it seemed like our eyes kept meeting. Let me know if you'd like to talk.
My Response:
Only if you buy me some chicken nuggets with barbeque sauce.
XPO-Cynthia - m4w - 36 (Canoga Park)
Missed Connection:
Hey Cynthia - I hope you check this out, and want to connect...You took advantage of me twice, which I enjoyed myself. I like a strong women who knows what she wants and how to get it. I's like to be taken advantage again...and hope to see you Tuesday. In your email, let me know how you took advantage of me, and also send a picture. I'll return one once I verify you are who I met. Talk soon. Really interested in "connecting".
My Response:
This was at the porn x-po, correct? I go to a lot of x-pos where I can find burly men because I like a nice motorcycle ride with a burly guy. We did it on your Harley, correct? Your name's Horatio? I liked the tats on your skull. Good choice of crossbones with the nice touch of your child's name underneath. Well-- I'll be at the x-po Tuesday- so ya- let's hit your Harley and make it a moving violation. LOVE IT and KISS IT!
Hey Cynthia - I hope you check this out, and want to connect...You took advantage of me twice, which I enjoyed myself. I like a strong women who knows what she wants and how to get it. I's like to be taken advantage again...and hope to see you Tuesday. In your email, let me know how you took advantage of me, and also send a picture. I'll return one once I verify you are who I met. Talk soon. Really interested in "connecting".
My Response:
This was at the porn x-po, correct? I go to a lot of x-pos where I can find burly men because I like a nice motorcycle ride with a burly guy. We did it on your Harley, correct? Your name's Horatio? I liked the tats on your skull. Good choice of crossbones with the nice touch of your child's name underneath. Well-- I'll be at the x-po Tuesday- so ya- let's hit your Harley and make it a moving violation. LOVE IT and KISS IT!
Chesley the rocket scientist - m4w - 25 (Monte Carlo, Las Vegas)
Missed Connection:
Probably spelled your name wrong so sorry in advance. I'm sure it's a long shot and you won't see it but worth a try... You came by looking for a lighter we did not have one, but you came back anyways for a drink. If this sounds familiar lets confirm some details.
My Response:
Details=fuzzy. Did it involve a mechanical bull ride? ELVIS and a really BIG straw??? A lot of deviled eggs at the buffet?? A ROLLERCOASTER RIDE AT CIRCUS CIRCUS WITH MY TOP OFF?? I don't THINK I said I was a rocket scientist- but I do remember yelling to the Labyrinth impressionist: "David Bowie is no fucking Rocket Man!!! I know because I'm a ROCKET SCIENTIST!" (I'm SO embarrassed because Bowie really IS the rocket man. DUH). Anyways- I'm not a rocket scientist. I just wanted to use your lighter because it was fancy and shit.
Probably spelled your name wrong so sorry in advance. I'm sure it's a long shot and you won't see it but worth a try... You came by looking for a lighter we did not have one, but you came back anyways for a drink. If this sounds familiar lets confirm some details.
My Response:
Details=fuzzy. Did it involve a mechanical bull ride? ELVIS and a really BIG straw??? A lot of deviled eggs at the buffet?? A ROLLERCOASTER RIDE AT CIRCUS CIRCUS WITH MY TOP OFF?? I don't THINK I said I was a rocket scientist- but I do remember yelling to the Labyrinth impressionist: "David Bowie is no fucking Rocket Man!!! I know because I'm a ROCKET SCIENTIST!" (I'm SO embarrassed because Bowie really IS the rocket man. DUH). Anyways- I'm not a rocket scientist. I just wanted to use your lighter because it was fancy and shit.
Venice Beach Redhead... - m4w - 23 (Venice Beach)
Missed Connection:
We spoke shortly at the drum circle two Saturdays ago shortly before sunset. I was wearing a red sweater, you had short red hair, a green shirt and a deep, understanding look . Your beauty paralyzed me when I saw you...I just had to talk to you even though so many guys wanted your attention. But you dismissed them, I saw your smile when you looked at me. I hope to run into you some time again.
My Response:
Would you ever drum your djembe and act like a priest from Zimbabwe? That would so turn me on-- even more than the winter's solstice. Hope to see you at the circle next week. Bring a bowl and we'll dance till the sun goes down.
PASSION:
His Response:
You've got a deal. My Zimbabwean priest moves are rusty but I'll do what I can...
My Response:
Radsauce. Will you wear dreds? Bob Marley style?
His Response:
I definitely wish I had a ridiculous trademark that would allow me to easily fit in with the badass dudes there but I got nothing at the moment.
My Response:
Not sure I can dig...How about you get a fake dred hat from one of the Venice merchants?
His Response:
I have considered the rasta plunge, but little did I know the power it would hold with women...it will be considered. Give me a few years to get on it, in the mean time I'll see you there with that bowl...
We spoke shortly at the drum circle two Saturdays ago shortly before sunset. I was wearing a red sweater, you had short red hair, a green shirt and a deep, understanding look . Your beauty paralyzed me when I saw you...I just had to talk to you even though so many guys wanted your attention. But you dismissed them, I saw your smile when you looked at me. I hope to run into you some time again.
My Response:
Would you ever drum your djembe and act like a priest from Zimbabwe? That would so turn me on-- even more than the winter's solstice. Hope to see you at the circle next week. Bring a bowl and we'll dance till the sun goes down.
PASSION:
His Response:
You've got a deal. My Zimbabwean priest moves are rusty but I'll do what I can...
My Response:
Radsauce. Will you wear dreds? Bob Marley style?
His Response:
I definitely wish I had a ridiculous trademark that would allow me to easily fit in with the badass dudes there but I got nothing at the moment.
My Response:
Not sure I can dig...How about you get a fake dred hat from one of the Venice merchants?
His Response:
I have considered the rasta plunge, but little did I know the power it would hold with women...it will be considered. Give me a few years to get on it, in the mean time I'll see you there with that bowl...
Thursday
you kept asking, "whats my name?" ---------- its a long shot, but i havent forgetten what your name is :)
My Response:
Soooo...what's your name?
His Response:
hey, my names cristian, but ummm, who is this again? hope youre havin a good one, cheers!
My Response:
I thought you didn't forget my name. I mean, why would you? It's Fantasia Rodriguez Lopez. I'm your long lost lover from Craigslist.
His Response:
Do you have a facebook/myspace?
My Response:
I have a Friendster.
His Response:
no :( but i'd like to see ya!
My Response:
Ok- here:
Soooo...what's your name?
His Response:
hey, my names cristian, but ummm, who is this again? hope youre havin a good one, cheers!
My Response:
I thought you didn't forget my name. I mean, why would you? It's Fantasia Rodriguez Lopez. I'm your long lost lover from Craigslist.
His Response:
Do you have a facebook/myspace?
My Response:
I have a Friendster.
His Response:
no :( but i'd like to see ya!
My Response:
Ok- here:
rock star fantasy camp - m4w (whiskey)
Missed Connection:
Blonde with white tank T shirt.
You were with your boyfriend i think
caught you looking a few times. interested?
My Response:
Only if you like Bon Jovi...and Kid Rock- THE MASTERS!!
Blonde with white tank T shirt.
You were with your boyfriend i think
caught you looking a few times. interested?
My Response:
Only if you like Bon Jovi...and Kid Rock- THE MASTERS!!
AFRO-PUFFS are so delicious, my favorite post-lunch snack! - m4w - 99 (24Hr Fitness PASADENA (Oakland/Colorado))
Missed Connection:
On a light-skinned beauty like SHE moved on the treadmill, afro-puffs are especially delicious.
Here's to the hottie in black, who I wish could have been my mid-day snack!
My Response:
You be a cheese-puff. Cheddar style. Give me some salsa and I'll make you mine..
His Response (Name: Niki kii):
I love that picture! And is that hottie in the tub of puffs YOU?
If so I'm truly honored by your message? Who and where are you?
My Response:
I'm in outerspace. My name's Lupita Mendoza. (Sorry I'm not black). I like bathing in cheese wiz, though!
On a light-skinned beauty like SHE moved on the treadmill, afro-puffs are especially delicious.
Here's to the hottie in black, who I wish could have been my mid-day snack!
My Response:
You be a cheese-puff. Cheddar style. Give me some salsa and I'll make you mine..
His Response (Name: Niki kii):
I love that picture! And is that hottie in the tub of puffs YOU?
If so I'm truly honored by your message? Who and where are you?
My Response:
I'm in outerspace. My name's Lupita Mendoza. (Sorry I'm not black). I like bathing in cheese wiz, though!
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About Me
- Alessandra Rizzotti
- Writer. Published in Harper Perrenial's Six Word Memoirs on Love and Heartbreak, It All Changed in an Instant, as well as the front page of Smith's online magazine for more than 200 six word stories. Video art exhibited in Miranda July and Harrel Fletcher's "Learning to Love You More" gallery as well as the Baltic Contemporary Art Museum. Alessandra currently tells jokes all around Los Angeles and produces Heeb Magazine's monthly storytelling show in LA.
